Motherhood & Madness: Getting Pregnant and Emotion Dysregulation


I know that each body is different. I know there are many factors that affect fertility from month to month, day to day, but when I do my best to follow the “rules” and B and I are still not pregnant it is very difficult to not let the sadness consume me.

When we first decided to Β try and become pregnant I was concerned about how I would handle the potential mood swings and body changes that come with pregnancy, due to my emotion regulation issues. Now, I am seeing that I need to plan for finding out that we are not pregnant and the emotions that come along with it. I’m sure many couples who try to have children feel similar feelings, but I cannot doubt that my issues with emotion regulation may make certain feelings exaggerated and Β more painful.

When I see people on my Facebook post sonogram pictures announcing their pregnancy I can’t help but think, “What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I pregnant yet?” It feels even worse when people share with me that they got pregnant “right away”. The first month they tried (or even that one time oops) they became pregnant. When people hear my age and tell me that I’m young enough for pregnancy to happen quickly I feel upset because it’s not happening quickly (although, what does “quickly” really mean?).

I feel defeated, defective, broken, sad, scared and like a failure. These feelings make me want to stop trying and give up on becoming a parent. This is my Emotion Mind.

I was so stressed last month that I experienced insomnia and crashed from sadness when my period (which was 2 days late, that little bugger!) arrived. I realized, with the help of some supportive people, that I needed to calm down and use my Wise Mind. My Wise Mind will help me remain calm and cope with the disappointment of yet another month of nothing.

What does my Wise Mind tell me in this situation?

We will become pregnant eventually.

If we do not become pregnant within the year we can take the necessary steps to check fertility and go from there.

We should enjoy being together and loving each other no matter what.

Not being pregnant does not mean there is something wrong with either of our bodies.

If there is something not right in one or both of our bodies that it does not reflect poorly on us as people.

This month, I have used my Wise Mind more and have tried to enjoy my relationship more instead of being single-minded and just focusing on becoming pregnant. I have physically and emotionally felt better. Of course, I still have the odd upsetting thought and feeling but then I just remind myself that things are and will be ok.



11 thoughts on “Motherhood & Madness: Getting Pregnant and Emotion Dysregulation

  1. I have experience with this both close and from afar. In college while not trying my live in and I, both athletes on scholarships got pregnant twice. She could not go to term. Later I was married and my ex and I tried and often. Timing and all and nothing. We broke up and she got pregnant 3 times in a year. My sisters both had different plans. One was taking every precaution and she got pregnant. The other tried for 2 years and had to have doctors help. It is sometimes a combination of timing and stress and of course it can be internal. It is hard to relax when trying. A lot of anxiety. Try to just have fun trying. That should be the easy part.

    • Relaxing has been high on my list. And as much as I wish everyone got pregnant when they wanted to, I do find comfort knowing that issues with becoming pregnant are common. I also think not many people talk about BECOMING pregnant in comparison to how much they talk about BEING pregnant so some may just assume that it happens quickly. A lot of time may have past between first deciding to try and that final “We’re expecting”. Thank you for sharing your experiences πŸ™‚

  2. OMG, my friend tired to have children, year after year. She said the same things you are saying here. It is painful. One day they decided to adopt. A month or so after they found out they were getting a new adopted baby, she found out she was pregnant, with twins no less. She was 35 at the time, had tried since she married 15 years or so. Soon as she relaxed, she got pregnant.

    It’s not secret, I have celiacs and know a LOT of folks who stop eating gluten simply because they feel better, but they feel better because their body is healing from gluten poisoning. Infertility is HUGE among folks with celiacs and could be the cause of many infertility issues. You might consider researching it and trying it out, or just go gluten free for a few months and see!

    Personally, I think pets are better.

    Woof πŸ™‚

    Best of luck to you.

    • That’s what I keep hearing, RELAX!!! Some women I have spoken with or heard about, as soon as they stopped trying (decided to adopt or go to a fertility clinic) they became pregnant. I am trying to have this attitude and just enjoy the process and my time with B as a couple. It seems like your friend’s body was making up for the years of trying πŸ˜›

      I’m going to give it the year that fertility clinics recommend given my age before going to a professional and I will see what they say. I do tend to eat pretty healthy and a lot of foods in my area are automatically gluten free which is helpful. Fast food has been drastically cut in my diet and I have felt better since doing that. I have been reminding B that what he puts into his body also counts also. It takes two after all!

      Pets are awesome and I know we want a pet one day again as well πŸ˜›

      Thanks for your support!

  3. My wife and I can relate, we have been working on it for over a year and nothing. She is bipolar and we had to go through steps to get to a point where it was safe to try, in the time we have been trying, a couple of her friends have gotten pregnant and have had their babies already. It can really bring us down at times, but we are trying to work through it. The medical system just works really slow at referrals, so we have no idea if one of us isn’t fertile, or if it’s her medication.

    I just wanted to say we can totally relate to this post and how it can affect a person.

    We have decided if we can’t have a baby, it’s not the end of the world and we can still have a good life, we don’t have the option of IVF, surrogate or the other alternatives, but life is what it is. I’ve got to learn I can’t control every aspect of what I experience in my life, work in progress.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience with me, Justin! I hope the doctors can get back to you soon! Is adoption considered an “other alternative”? I know in Ontario, adopting local is less expensive than adopting abroad which seems to be very popular. You’re right, we can’t control everything and we need to accept what life gives us.

      I don’t want to get ahead of myself and start assuming I will need to pursue alternatives but, I am grateful that Ontario has started to cover IVF under OHIP. BC does not I’m assuming based off of what you said?

      I hope that if you can have children you do! You will be a good parent πŸ™‚

      • BC doesn’t currently cover IVF and fertility treatments, they do cover the testing to see why you can’t conceive, but not any of the treatments such as IVF and medications and such. If a surgical procedure is needed for a medical need it’s covered of course like any surgery would be.

        Looking at the prices, IVF would be well above our ability.

        Adoption is possibly an adoption, local or Canada anyhow, not international, just not sure they (gov’t) would let us adopt, we are low income, but I don’t know, its certainly something we would be willing to do.

        But we are not nearly that far a head yet. so one step at a time.

  4. You are already pregnant…you have opened yourself to receive a child. You have indicated in your being a heart and mind that you are ready for your baby.

    The trying and waiting is part of the pregnancy…part of the journey….

    And it is strengthening you for what is to come…..

    Everything you learn now will strengthen your mother self……

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