What a back rub did for my depression

Last Thursday was rough. I was remembering a similar incident that left me feeling rejected and abandoned. This made it difficult for me to communicate and this led to unskillful behaviour. I came through it but then Saturday night I put together some facts that broke me.

I spend a lot of time alone. This is making me feel extremely lonely. I’m unemployed, B works and the main people I hang out with are busy with school or work. I have been trying to reach out to some but we never set a date or they say they’re busy. The odd thing is, to me at least, that I’m told they’re busy and then I see pictures on Facebook or find out other ways that they are finding time to hang out with others. This is what happened on Saturday. I found myself sitting on my couch just sobbing and filled with deep despair. I asked B, “Do people not want to be my friend anymore? Am I mean? Is is because I’m ugly? What is wrong with me!” B reassured me that none of what I was thinking was true, but that still didn’t take away the facts that I was asking friends to hang out, they were saying no and then going out with other people. It was killing me. I calmed down a bit, watched Bones on Netflix and went to bed.

The next day, I woke up in a depression that I had not experienced since the Effexor incident of 2014. Everything about me was slow if I moved at all. I felt heavy. I couldn’t smile. Speaking was difficult. I felt like a shadow. I wanted to hide and tried my best to, even if it meant using my hair to hide my face. I was overwhelmed in the numbest way possible at what was happening to me.

Throughout the day, B was there with me and not just in the same room but present in the moment and aware of what was happening.  He was accepting of the situation. Probably the most meaningful moment was when I was laying in our bed in the afternoon, crying, and he just came in and rubbed my back. This back rub spoke volumes. Through this simple gesture he said:

  1. In this moment, I still love you.
  2. I want you to be ok.
  3. I am here for you.
  4. I understand that this is a hard time for you.
  5. I still respect you.
  6. I’m not mad at you.
  7. We’ll get through this together.

I honestly cannot remember the last time a partner cared for me in such a way during a depressive episode. In the past, these episodes were treated with hostility and annoyance. I became an inconvenience. Getting out of the episode became more difficult and they would frequently return. I believe, 100%, that B’s actions helped me get out of the house that night and out with his family and supported me in waking up the next morning like I had never been that sad. I bounced back and have been able to move forward hopeful that the experience will not affect my progress. It was a blip. That’s it.

I don’t know if B will ever fully understand what he did for me that day, but I am very grateful to be with him. We’re in the right place.

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10 thoughts on “What a back rub did for my depression

  1. “Everything about me was slow if I moved at all. I felt heavy. I couldn’t smile. Speaking was difficult. I felt like a shadow. I wanted to hide and tried my best to, even if it meant using my hair to hide my face. I was overwhelmed in the numbest way possible at what was happening to me.” I’ve felt like this before. I still feel almost like this sometimes. But I can usually get out and socialize a little bit. I go to the local Peer Support Centre. If it wasn’t for that place, I don’t know what I’d do. I didn’t have one friend before I started going there a few years ago. Now I have several friends and acquaintances. Is there anything like that where you live?

    • It is a tough feeling to deal with and I’m glad to hear that you have a place to go that has helped you make friends! Friends are so important as I am realizing 🙂

      There are peer support drop-in centres but from what I have heard no one really my age goes to them or they are for younger people (teens). I seem to be the person that organizes and runs the groups, creates the opportunities that I can’t fully be a part of because I supervise them. I am on two DBT Facebook Groups but that’s, obviously, not the same as having in-person connection. There is one BPD Group that I am involved with on a professional level but want to participate on the participant level, just the groups meet on the days that I work.

  2. Pingback: When it’s not in your head and actually in your life | Pride in Madness

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