Last night, I went to Brass Vixens with a friend, C, for my first ever beginner pole dancing class. C had mentioned going to a PinUp Pole class she took last Friday and when I expressed interest she agreed to come along and it is now going to be our weekly outing! I have been wanting to get out of the house more and I can’t think of a better way than with a friend, exercising our bodies in one of the most fun ways possible!
When I first arrived I was nervous. I knew that I was out of shape and the thought of others seeing this was horrifying. The staff were really nice and I began to get the sense that I was safe here. When C and I went into the class and I got my first look at the pole I was excited. I played scenes in my head of one day being able to do a whole routine which would not just mean looking sexy but also having strength in my body. From the moment the teacher started our warm up I knew I was going to hurt the next day. She taught us a few floor moves which made me realize I am not as aware of my body as I would like to be. We also learned how to walk around the pole, do a floor spin into it and also the fireman spin. It was so much fun and I can’t wait to practice once my arms can support my weight again 😛
At one point during the class, I briefly became overwhelmed. I was judging myself harshly and these judgments confirmed that I do not believe I am sexy. Not only that, but that I have not felt sexy many years. When I was younger, I did not hesitate with my body. I knew how it moved, I knew what it was doing and most importantly, I knew inside that I was sexy. The emotional abuse I endured in the past upon leaving high school has taken a toll on my body image and self-worth. When you are told by someone who is supposed to love you that their attention and affection need to be earned and used as a control tactic it is very difficult to still see yourself as sexy, desirable, and anything other than a disappointment. I realized all of this in seconds of watching my body move in the mirror.
I had to shake my head and tell myself to stop those thoughts. I reminded myself that what people in the past have told me directly or indirectly about my self-worth and body is wrong. I told myself to not compare myself to my classmates. I told myself to just listen to the music and move. I reminded myself that I wanted to take pole dancing because I knew it would strengthen me physically and emotionally. I knew that it would tap into a side of me that has been dormant for a long time. As an added bonus, the class brought me into the present. After a month of feeling disconnected from the world, I felt connected as my mind focused on my body, the pole and the music. I am still feeling connected.
I will get my sexy back!
I hope to pole dance like these amazing teachers one day and I also want to try Lyra 🙂