Motherhood & Madness: What I don’t want to hear while I’m struggling to become pregnant


I recently connected with a friend who is having issues with becoming pregnant. It was amazing to know that someone who I physically know can relate to what I am going through. One of the frustrations we shared with each other was the way people support us. While I know people mean well it is not validating at all to hear the following.

“Don’t worry, it will happen, you’re young.”

“Just relax and stop thinking about it.”

“You get to have a lot of sex!” 

“Just enjoy the process.”

“Enjoy it just being the 2 of you for longer.”

Image: a pregnancy test that reads “Not Pregnant”.

All of these are the fertility version of “Think positive” and “Some people have it worse” for mental health. Saying these ignore the physical and emotional toll of trying to become pregnant.

“Don’t worry, it will happen.”

It’s been 6 months and it’s not happening. This often comes from people who got pregnant right away or from those who are not trying to become pregnant. I can only imagine that when you are the 1+ year mark of trying to become pregnant this statement is like a dagger. Clearly our age does not matter because we’re still not pregnant.

“Just relax and stop thinking bout it.”

Done and done. Nothing. How can I not think about becoming pregnant? I want this really badly and there is some science behind how to conceive. I need to think about that! The longer is takes the more I can’t relax. I’m thinking of all the things that could be wrong and what I should do about them! This is normal!

“You get to have a lot of sex!”

Oh please….just don’t say this. It is so devasting to know that you’ve had a lot of sex, that you’ve had sex the way fertility books say you should and then you get your period. Also, we don’t want to have sex all the time. We have things to do!

“Just enjoy the process.”

Same as above. This process is emotionally and physically taxing.

“Enjoy it just being the 2 of you for longer.”

NO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! We want it to be the 3 of us! We wouldn’t be trying to become pregnant if we wanted it to be the 2 of us for a longer amount of time!!!!!! I’ve had 6 months more than we wanted of the 2 of us! I want to reach our final 9 months of the 2 of us!


Some people will even say that 6 months is not a long time. That’s your business and I don’t want to hear it.

I will explore what I would like to hear in my next post.


If you struggled with becoming pregnant or starting your family (ie: through adoption, surrogacy etc.) what did people say to you that wasn’t helpful?


Sidenote: In the new year, if B and I are still not pregnant we are going to go to a fertility clinic.


11 thoughts on “Motherhood & Madness: What I don’t want to hear while I’m struggling to become pregnant

  1. This is something I need to work really hard on being more compassionate about. I’ve been totally guilty of the “oh no you have to have a bunch of unprotected sex” mindset. Then again, I’ve never been pregnant so most people struggling with trying to get pregnant don’t really talk to me. I have absolutely no idea what it’s like.

    I DO think it’s super rude when pregnant people/mothers complain about their pregnancy/kids constantly in front of others that have been struggling to conceive/carry a pregnancy to term. That just seems fucking RUDE and insensitive.

    Can’t wait to hear what you would like to hear so I know what to say that at the end of this comment. Hugs. ❤

  2. I have a huge different vantage point. In college I was living with the same woman and she got pregnant twice. As college athletes there was only one answer. I was or rateh became me because me mother at 16 went against her parents wishes and not only dated my father but lived in a homeless shelter. I was born as my grandmother refused to answer the phone and my grandfather spent a week at the track and refused a call that either my mother would not make it or I wouldn’t. Moving on. My ex wife and I were never going to have a child. I made sure, men can do this if they know what they are doing. My younger of two sisters was told she was barren and she got pregnant and found out as my mother past. The elder tried for 3 plus years. She has a corrupt fallopian tube from being on birth control since she was ten to avoid massive migraines. She kept trying and now has twins that are 8. Everything that could have went wrong did as with my mother but thankfully it worked out. Forget that have fun while it lasts, you are young, bla bla bla as you are mad about it. The “pros” say it is timing, but like a gym with equipment that is guessing how many calories you burnt, that is all it is a guess. Literally screw it all. Not if it is meant to be it will or anything else catch phrases say. If you are enough together that is a start. If you have had bad test results as my elder of two sisters had, there is always hope. She was told never and has twins. So, I am in a different place than many. Just breathe and live, the rest will work itself out for you. For better or worse.

  3. Pingback: Motherhood & Madness: What I do want to hear when I’m struggling to become pregnant | Pride in Madness

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