Good Morning Discrimination!

Yesterday morning, I posted on a Facebook page I admin a BuzzFeed article called, “23 Things People with Borderline Personality Want You to Know.” I agree with what is written in the article such as,

1. BPD can make it incredibly difficult to regulate your emotions.

12. BPD can make it really hard to maintain relationships.

17. Some forms of therapy work better than others — it depends on the patient and the practitioner.

23. People with BPD are stronger than you know.

I love BPD humour! Image reads: I prefer to not think of myself as having BPD. I prefer to think of it as being really awesome and letting know through outbursts of emotion.

I posted my own comment along with the article on the Facebook page saying, “People with BPD need and want love. It can be difficult for people with BPD is express themselves appropriately because they are sensitive people in a very invalidating world. People with BPD can improve themselves by learning skills (such as through DBT) and by having supportive people in their life who are patient, understanding, trusting and loving.”

The post was Liked and shared and then received a comment that would be the first comment I have ever deleted off of the Facebook page.

Interesting but having lived with someone I am 100% sure was borderline I would say you need to be a freaking incredible person to pull off an intimate relationship with a borderline. I did it for 16 years and had to get out.

I toyed with responding with validation and education (“It can be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is experiencing emotion dysregulation. Learning about their experience can help both people find a way to be together and there is nothing wrong with needing to end the relationship if it is not working.”) and eventually decided to just delete the comment. This is the first comment I have ever deleted from the page!

I deleted the comment because it is phrased in such a way that I got the impression that education wasn’t wanted. I thought that this person is more concerned with how difficult it can be to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD than how to support a BPD person and how to support themselves in that relationship. It is discriminatory and it had to go!

I have written many times on this blog about BPD discrimination (see links below) and I am fortunate that I do not frequently experience discrimination specifically related to BPD. When I do it cuts me pretty deep as much of it is meant to be mean. What bothers me with the above comment is the idea that only certain types of people can be with BPD individuals and that person must be a god to put up with us.

One of my deep rooted fears is that I am unlovable and unworthy of love. To hear that people think people with BPD cannot be in relationships or can only be in relationships with “special” people is very upsetting and also a lie. Are there some people with BPD that make relationships impossible and maybe even abusive? Yes. Are there some people with BPD who have fun and loving relationships? Yes. You know why both and everything in between can be true? Because people with BPD are like everyone else in terms of having unique personalities, values, experiences, strengths and challenges. Many of us with BPD, myself included, have been in abusive relationships and blamed for the abuse. I wouldn’t say that my abusers are “freaking incredible”.

Let me give credit though to B. He is a “freaking incredible person” BUT not for “pulling off” a relationship with me. He is incredible because he is kind, affectionate, positive, loving, caring, hard working, smart, attractive and MINE! I can only speak for myself when I say that there is no trick to being with me. There is nothing to “pull off”. I ask for respect, love, trust, understanding and support. Is this not what many ask for in their relationships?

Relationships are not easy. I  know that I am not easy. I know that B is not easy. If we want to make it work, if we are both willing to admit our faults, improve ourselves and accept each other then we can make it. BPD has nothing to do with it.

It was a morning of discrimination and hopefully, today can be an evening of education.

Related posts

BPD, Sexual Behaviour & Long-Term Relationships

Bashing Borderlines: Helping Professional Discrimination

New Diagnosis, New Discrimination

The “Science” of Evil

Don’t Stereotype My Anger

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Good Morning Discrimination!

  1. When people like that commenter say things like that, what they mean by “freaking incredible” is, “understanding and compassionate.” Relationships take work. ALL relationships take work. Does being in a relationship with a person who has a personality or mood disorder (BPD, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc…) take a little extra work? Possibly, it depends on the people in the relationship. But if takes extra work to enter a relationship with someone who has kids, or who works a lot, or who’s caring for an elderly or ill family member.

    Do their partners have to be “freaking incredible” to be with them? Some people think so.

    Personally, I think someone has to be “freaking incredible” to “pull off” a relationship with a partner who is too lazy to be bothered to try to understand their BPD/depressed/anxious/etc… partner’s struggles and pain and everything they’re doing to try to be happy. Personally, I couldn’t do it and would have to “get out.” *eyeroll*

    • I hope that’s what they mean. Clearly, that’s not how I took it. Too many times have I seen articles or heard people say that individuals with BPD are horrible in relationships and should be avoided.

      Relationships take work as you have pointed out Aidan. Some people are ok with certain work and not others. I had to “get out” when I was dating someone who just wouldn’t try to understand me or improve our relationship. I don’t have time for that and it’s not fair!

      • Lol I was being snarky, implying that the commenter lacked compassion and understanding, and therefore misinterpreted those attributes as being “freaking incredible.” Trust me, I’m sure that’s not what the person actually meant.

        I agree completely, it’s not fair if a partner is not willing to offer understanding and support in a relationship, and doesn’t want to put in the effort to improve it. Especially when dealing with a mental illness, being the only person putting in an effort in a relationship is exhausting.

        It’s one thing if a person doesn’t want to work on improving themselves. Some (but not all) people with certain illnesses may be prone to violent or verbal outbursts. If that person doesn’t want to work to improve those aspects of their self, then I understand how that might be a detriment to a relationship. There’s a difference between supporting someone’s recovery/coping and just plain enduring abuse, after all.

        But, I have NEVER ONCE IN MY WHOLE LIFE, met a person with a diagnosed illness who had outbursts who was like, “Nah, I’m totally cool throwing vases at walls and telling everyone I love that they’re horrible and ruining my life. I don’t want treatment.” Because most of us *gasp* don’t actually like feeling angry and sad all the time. Go figure.

        People with BPD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc… are just people trying to be happy. Sure, we have to work a little harder at it. It doesn’t automatically disqualify us from being able to have healthy relationships. Jeez. Dude/lady needs to pull their head our of their ass.

      • Lol, silly online communications being void of tone! 😛

        I agree with you so much! Any verbal of physical outburst I have had has filled me with great shame and I have done everything in my power to change it! I had a woman once share with me that her boyfriend, who was potentially undiagnosed BPD, was so abusive towards her that she developed severe anxiety and an eating disorder. I empathized with her. NO ONE should be treated like that! I don’t care if you have a diagnosis, I don’t care if things are more difficult, NO ONE has the right to be abusive and put others through any amount of pain.

        Majority, like with most humans, are good people. Even good people do things they probably shouldn’t do. That’s life.

  2. This article was so informative! I am sorry someone made such an insensitive comment. I have a very good friend who has bpd. She is an amazing person and so kind and loving and I cant imagine not being her friend, her bpd is just a part of her, she didnt ask for it, and neither did you! XX

  3. If they are giving an example of someone who was never diagnosed & treated, shouldn’t they be glad that people like you are out there talking about it and trying to educate folks? I think all relationships are complex and trying to blame issues on one “Problem Person” who is causing trouble for the poor innocent, martyred “Normal Person” is BS. Both people need to learn empathy, communication skills etc. even if some of those things are more difficult for one of the people involved. Heck, those of us who know we have issues to work on at least are aware and make an effort to do so, whereas NT couples that self-congratulate themselves for their normality often just take it for granted that it will all work out.

    • I have found in the past that when I do not match a person’s idea of what BPD is supposed to “look” like then they just dismiss me as not having the issues at all. I may change some minds and not others, but that’s just how it goes!

      I was in a relationship where I was the problem person and he was not. It was an exhausting and abusive relationship. Empathy and communication were missing which are important as you have stated. It takes the right people together to make a relationship work!

      Thanks for your comment as always!

Let's Dialogue!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s