I saw this picture this morning and it warmed my heart. I was waking up next to the love of my life, with my son moving around in my belly (he’s due this month) and my cat wandering around our apartment. All the hard things I went through were worth it for this moment. Scrolling through the comments on the picture I saw that a lot of people were not happy about this photo.
“Hate to break it to you, but this is not a guaranteed outcome! I use to fall for this sort of thought process/mentality…”
“Fantasy is not a good coping mechanism for mental illness.”
“Doesn’t sound like people are impressed with the false hope idea. Besides, unless you face and fix the underlying issues now, all that “puppies, kids, etc” won’t help much. You’ll still be struggling, expect now you have more to lose than before.” (although to the credit of this comment the person went on to say that if you do find these things in your life you have more to fight for which is good)
I get it. I really do. I have been in the mindset that I will always be suffering and that I cannot have what I want and need. It pains me to read comments that illustrate to me that many people think they cannot find things to make them happy, find the things that will make their horrible experiences worth it. It shouldn’t be a “fantasy” to live happily ever after in whatever form that may take for you. There are many possible realities and we can find the one that suits us. It is productive to have goals about how we want our life to look and it is very good for our mental health to have goals.
When B and I first started dating it was my goal to become more in control of my emotions to improve our relationship and my relationship with myself. I knew we wanted children and I would not put a child through my emotional chaos while I had no coping skills. I spent about a year learning and practicing DBT. Our relationship went up and down because that’s what happens and when we finally decided to try and have a baby it came from a strong and confident place. Even in the early spring of this year when our relationship briefly ended I modified my goal and began to work towards it while also managing the extreme emotional pain of a breakup. Our relationship, fortunately, was repaired so I know that my reality will constantly be changing. There are no guarantees to how your life will turn out and there never will be. We can only do what we can in the moment to try and create the best possible outcome.
We decide what is “worth it” in our lives. To think that reaching that satisfied moment in your life is a “fantasy”, “false hope” and something you “fall for” is what will probably be a part of what stops you from finding and getting what you want/need. I know I am probably making it sound like this is easy. I know it is not. I have been on this journey since I was around 12 years old and I am still young. I have fallen down many times and almost didn’t get back up. I have had to push myself, accept the pain and find the lessons to help me become better.