Motherhood & Madness: I knew this would be hard but this is REALLY hard.

I am staring at the computer screen trying to think of how to illustrate to you how difficult I find my life now. This does not mean I hate it, it just means I spend a lot of time wanting to throw my hands up in the air and say “fuck it”. After having my son, I was supposed to not work for a year. This did not turn into a reality. B was supposed to be actively involved. This did not turn into a reality. I am trying to hardest to balance caring for my son and work to bring in money. I also take on theย majority of the responsibility for the physical chores and mental work (ie: noticing my son’s needs and what our household needs to function). I am not different from the millions of women and femmes that are in these beautiful and strenuous loving caretaker roles. This is new to me though and the adjustment makes me want to rip my hair out.

I finally know what sleep deprivation feels like and it feels like stupid. I am very forgetful and cognitively slow. I never feel rested. I always feel like I’m pushing myself and running on fumes. I find myself spending longer in the bathroom or shower when I can so I can have more time to myself. I bubble with rage when B says that he’s tired because I know he has slept longer than I have. I cannot for the life of my figure out why B has time to watch a movie and I don’t. How is it that he has finished 2 books since our son was born and I have started 4 books and abandoned them all?

I am trying to balance everything because I need to radically accept that this is what is happening in my life. I was life-balance_23-2147533397given a colouring book day planner and have started to attempt to organize my time. I have decided to dedicate 2 days a week to each of my jobs. None of these days will be weekends. All the other days will be solely dedicated to my son and to doing enjoyable activities during his naps such as reading, colouring, meditating and whatever else I want. I want to enjoy my son and when I am worried about fitting in work I do not enjoy him. He deserves all of me.

Well, a new year is a chance for a new me right?

I wish you all a very happy new year and that 2017 brings you one step closer to wellbeing ๐Ÿ™‚ We got this!!

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19 thoughts on “Motherhood & Madness: I knew this would be hard but this is REALLY hard.

  1. Oh how I can relate to this!
    My first instinct was to give you advice. But I also know just how fanned annoying it is to receive it when you just need to vent. So I won’t. Just please know that many of us care and are listening to what you have to say and what you are expressing, without judgement, but with love.

      • There are 3 things in terms of parenting that I have come to find resonate deeply with me:

        “Comparison is the thief of happiness”. Every time I compare how much “me” time I have compared to my husband I start to bubble with resentment. However, quite bluntly when one of them does something amazing (which they do as they get bigger) I smile and know I was a key player in that aspect of their development. For example, last night Miss.G was nervous at the YMCA, and Mr.N smiled at her, put his arm around her shoulders and told her he was her friend and would stay with her during Arts and Crafts. I get to see these moments. I get to know I helped to foster the kindness and compassion I am seeing.
        “Making sure I’m okay mentally gives my children the mother they deserve”
        Our entire job as a parent is to make sure they don’t need us by they time they are done growing, and so as they get bigger they need you less. This slowly makes more space within each day for “Me” time. But don’t feel like you can’t elk out some now if you need it! Each person needs a different amount of it for their mental health and well-being. I would bring the kids to our local YMCA and drop them off for an hour in child-minding while I worked out. I felt refreshed mentally afterwards. Most likely due to the whole exercise decreases cortisol levels and increases serotonin levels.

        “Mary Poppins wasn’t real”
        I agree that your son needs you, but that doesn’t mean you have to make every single moment with him magical. It’s okay to be human and be distracted sometimes while with him. It’s okay to not be Mary Poppins every minute of every day with your child/ren. Society tells us we have to make sure their childhood is perfect and wonderful and that we are mindful and present in each moment of each interaction with them. I call b.s. It’s okay to be distracted sometimes. It’s okay to look around your front room after they are in bed some nights and say “piss on it” and leave the toys for one night where they lay while you eat ice cream and read a few chapters of a good book. The mess will be there tomorrow, but so too will be additional inner peace that only comes from taking a bit of “me” time.

      • The amount I resent my partner is horrible! I do it every day. I know I need to stop and I fear that if I do then it means I won’t get my needs met. You are 100% right and getting to see those amazing key moments! I saw first smiles, first reach, first toy in the mouth and first laughs. I do look at my son and take pride in him knowing I am doing so much to shape his mind.

        My family has been great at helping me mentally. I am still working from home so I feel a lot of stress to complete tasks. When someone watches my son for 2 or 3 hours I can do some work and come back to him with a clear mind. I am a much better mom when I know I can focus just on him.

        I am distracted right now writing this comment. He’s on my lap sucking on a blanket. I need to disengage sometimes because my mind gets so tired.

        Thank our so much! You really validated and reinforced!!

  2. I hope you feel more supported with the potential of the new year. I just had a similar conversation with my husband last night about how exhausted I am and my health is at peril because of it. Know how you feel and I thank you for expressing yourself.

    • I do feel more supported. I worked out some schedules and am going to ask my partner for more help. I hope you also find more support!!! It’s not easy taking on the world! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in this!

  3. I think most of the first time mommies can relate to this piece. You are right, even I sometimes resent my partner for saying that he’s so tired when I know that we both have been to jobs but I have been the one who has been taking care of house chores as well. But then sometimes he does something special and helps me out by sharing my responsibilities. Sleep deprivation and restlessness is bound to happen when we are on our toes all the time. Don’t worry too much. Things will eventually work out!

    • Those special moments our partners give us are nice ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes I feel like if I just wasn’t so tired I wouldn’t really care. Everything is worse when you’re sleep deprived. Things have gotten better as my son is almost 5 months old now. He sleeps better so I feel better!

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