What would you want out of a BPD Mom program?

My boss has given me permission to begin research in the hopes of creating a program for Mom’s with BPD improve their relationship with their children and themselves. I am preparing a survey and in the meantime, I wanted to reach out here! If you do not already know me, I am a Mom who experiences borderline traits.

There is a lot of research out there that bashes Moms who experience BPD. Resources for Moms with BPD are scarce and I want to change that! If you feel comfortable, please leave a response in the comments below or you can wait for the survey as it is anonymous.

Who am I looking to hear from:

  • Moms who have BPD, borderline traits or believe they have BPD and have never been officially diagnosed.
  • Moms (of any age child)
  • Pregnant, first-time moms
  • Women who would like to be moms

What I would like to know is: if you signed up for a program on Mothering and BPD, what would you want in it? What would help you the most improve your relationship with your children? What would make you feel confident in your mothering as a first-time mom or someone who wants to be a mom?

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Day 8

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge

Day 8- What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

I’ve been diagnosed officially (meaning it was written on paper and put into a file) when I was 16 and 23. At 16 I was diagnosed with30 day challenge chronic depression aka dysthymia and at 23 (just last year) I was diagnosed with borderline traits. If I were to go back for a psychiatric assessment now I would probably get the full BPD diagnosis because I am more aware of my thoughts and behaviours and you could also argue that I have a mild depression these  days.

When do I think my symptoms began? Part of the reason I do not view myself as sick, reject psychiatric drugs and dislike psychiatry is because I know that I was born more sensitive than others. My Mother tells me that I experienced attachment issues and was always shy. I overcame them but it did make me susceptible to certain people and situations that did not help me emotionally.

I am on a psychiatric drug now but it is because I value my life and at this moment my ability to cope to dwindling and I wanted to give  these drugs another chance with a developed and well taught brain.

Previously

Day 7

Here’s The Fucking Kicker… aka Tenth Session

I saw J today and we discussed my anxieties about my appointment with the doctor tomorrow to get long-awaited psych medication.

For those who do not remember or who have lives of their own to follow, I was recommended 50mg of Seroquel XR on August 1 2012. Since that date I have been waiting for tomorrow, September 19, to get this prescription. For those are not decent with numbers, like I am, that is about  a MONTH and TWO and a HALF WEEKS OF WAITING!

As many of you are familiar with, this wait has cause great stressed as it has given me too much time to mull over the decision.

While speaking with J today she asked if the psychiatrist included in his assessment notes that blood work would have to be done. I told her that it wasn’t in the notes but he did say that I would have to be monitored. J said that the doctor might do blood work tomorrow and not give me medication until the results came back….

I sat there and said nothing for a few seconds….the horrible anger physical reaction I told her earlier I wanted to get rid started coming on.

Have I been stressing for nothing?

Is there more fucking waiting?

That’s me…

I WILL NOT WAIT ANYMORE!

I waited 7 months to get into Planned Parenthood’s counselling program!

I waited 2 months to see their visiting psychiatrist!

I waited 1 month and 2 and a half weeks for one of their doctors!

I AM FINISHED WAITING!

GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!

(I take into a count this particular doctor was on vacation but still…)

I love safety, I respect safety, I want safety but it’s not fucking fun to sit in my damn anxiety!

I am hoping she doesn’t ask for blood work and I’m worried about what my reaction will be if she asks. I don’t like getting angry in public and I become even more uncomfortable but I will contain everything until I am safe in my house and explode then. This is not fun!

Oh my….I’m in fight mode. My muscles are tense and my heart hurts a little.

This is NOT how it was supposed to go!

FUCK!

Maybe lunch will make me feel better….watch some Magic Mike…

Another Game?

My attempt at going back on psych meds, meds that never did any good for me, is it just another one of my games?

It’s a game I haven’t played in awhile. The whole, “Let’s see what this will do!”

It’s like when I ate the silicon form the little packets that keep things fresh or whatever, the little bags that say, “Do not eat.” What happens if I eat it? Let’s find out. Nothing happened by the way but please don’t do it. (Put enough in a glass of water and they do pop, it’s pretty awesome)

Or when I would take 9 tylenol because it said, “Do not exceed more than 8 pills a day,” on the bottle.

Or when I would mix my meds with mass amounts of alcohol.

Or when I took a friends prescription iron pills.

Or all those other times I thought playing with my life would be a fantastic idea.

Do I just want to play that game? Prove a point? Get attention? Try and help myself? I’ll never know the answer.

Good thing I’m seeing J tomorrow.

Thought 21: I’m Not That Difficult

Thought: In light of my past posts on the Borderline Basher I’ve become even more aware and irritated about the discrimination towards those experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder/Traits. I keep seeing posts and comments about how BPD is difficult to treat and why. It all just sounds like hate to me.

I say this out of rage, but I know people who do not have BPD and have been more difficult to treat professionally than I have! Many of the great examples of Borderline’s who bust their butts to become better people are followers of mine! You people are amazing!

I wish I could remember where I read this but somewhere on this vast internet, when I was first researching BPD after I was diagnosed, it said that Borderline’s may be more difficult to treat but once healing and learning begin they have one of the highest success rates!

Are we really that difficult to treat? Or, as I’m sure many of us feel and I swear it’s true, no one can effectively reach us!? I personally think it’s the last part. How Borderline of me to blame others for my down falls :p

I would love for this to be in my counsellor’s office!

Strong Person Award

The Quiet Borderline has nominated me for the Strong Person Award. I could not adequately describe the amazing things this woman has does even if she does not know it! Her  ability to survive and push beyond whatever she is experiencing is very admirable! CHECK OUT THE QUIET BORDERLINE!!!!!

“You heard me right! You are not weak, you are strong. You are not a failure, you are a fighter! This goes out to all mentalists. And it’s a gift from me (The Quiet Borderline) to you all – Please spread the love. Mental health is not something to be sneered at and it deserves much more respect. Stop the stigmatising.”

The Rules

1. Make sure to add in the above text and image to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty.

The Diagnoses of PIM

Dysthymic Disorder: A chronic depression that was relentless! I experienced this disorder from age 13 (although I was not diagnosed until 16) to 117 years old. These were the worst years of my life and I’m glad they are over. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t achieved my recovery from this depression I would be dead. Since I did recover for it I think that says something for the “chronic” part of the diagnosis.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Diagnosed at 18 years old and I probably had this disorder along with the dysthymia but no one was looking for it. I do relate being borderline with becoming a confident person. I have no problem standing up for myself, doing what I like and expressing how I feel even though it may be an aggressive mess.

Borderline Personality Traits: This is my newest diagnosis and it is one that reflects my awesome achievements in improving my mental health but still acknowledges that I have issues that can stop me in my tracks. This diagnosis simply means that I do not meet the full diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder anymore UNLESS I am angry. Many people think this diagnosis is bullshit but I feel that it is acknowledging who I am and I love it!

July 2012

Toronto, the city that I love! Going to school in Toronto and then moving here two years ago greatly improved my mental health and continues to do so!

Some Other Strong People (Even if you don’t appear on this list still know you are strong and awesome! And I possibly saw that you were previously nominated)

http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/

http://wereallmadinhere.wordpress.com/

http://asthependulumswings.wordpress.com/

http://brettbatten.wordpress.com/

http://strugglingwithbipolar.wordpress.com/

http://mentalhealthdiaries.wordpress.com/

http://managingmania.com/

http://thebipolarplace1.wordpress.com/

http://borderlinegirlliveshere.wordpress.com/

http://voicesofglass.com/

http://themirthofdespair.wordpress.com/

There are a few more but I need to get to bed!!!!