I apologize for my frequent absences. I am balancing work, trainings, being a mom and partner as well as trying to find time to just do nothing. I will write here whenever I can and when I have something to say.
I spent a decent amount of time during my pregnancy worrying about developing postpartum depression/anxiety. So far, this has not happened. I have actually found that becoming a mom and my son has helped improve my mental health.
- My son is an amazing source of love. Having this little human that adores me makes me feel amazing. He smiles and laughs at me, reaches for me and my love for him is beautifully overwhelming. This is the best type of love I have ever felt.
- My son reminds me how amazing the little things are. Everything is new to him and he is very interested in many of the things adults take for granted. He also reminds me how amazing our bodies are. We don’t realize how amazing it is that we can hold our heads up, bring our hands to our mouths or move our bodies around. He is learning all of this right now and it is amazing to watch and know that I also went through the same process as a baby.
- My son is helping me get more sleep and eat better. I am exhausted most of the time. I have only felt rested once since my son was born. Since he does wake multiple times a night I do go to sleep earlier to ensure I get as much as possible. I eat better because breastfeeding takes a lot away from your body. I need to keep giving it more so my body can sustain my son and myself. We are starting solids soon, using Baby Led Weaning (BLW) so I will be eating much better because my son will be eating the same foods.
- My son has given me purpose. Before I had my son I did feel like I had a purpose. Since the birth of my son, I feel like my purpose is more complete. I love teaching him, exploring with him, being with him and I want what is best for him. I am constantly researching ways to ensure he grows and develops in a healthy way and I love knowing that I am contributing to him becoming the best he can be. I enjoy being a parent.
I am staring at the computer screen trying to think of how to illustrate to you how difficult I find my life now. This does not mean I hate it, it just means I spend a lot of time wanting to throw my hands up in the air and say “fuck it”. After having my son, I was supposed to not work for a year. This did not turn into a reality. B was supposed to be actively involved. This did not turn into a reality. I am trying to hardest to balance caring for my son and work to bring in money. I also take on the majority of the responsibility for the physical chores and mental work (ie: noticing my son’s needs and what our household needs to function). I am not different from the millions of women and femmes that are in these beautiful and strenuous loving caretaker roles. This is new to me though and the adjustment makes me want to rip my hair out.
I finally know what sleep deprivation feels like and it feels like stupid. I am very forgetful and cognitively slow. I never feel rested. I always feel like I’m pushing myself and running on fumes. I find myself spending longer in the bathroom or shower when I can so I can have more time to myself. I bubble with rage when B says that he’s tired because I know he has slept longer than I have. I cannot for the life of my figure out why B has time to watch a movie and I don’t. How is it that he has finished 2 books since our son was born and I have started 4 books and abandoned them all?
I am trying to balance everything because I need to radically accept that this is what is happening in my life. I was given a colouring book day planner and have started to attempt to organize my time. I have decided to dedicate 2 days a week to each of my jobs. None of these days will be weekends. All the other days will be solely dedicated to my son and to doing enjoyable activities during his naps such as reading, colouring, meditating and whatever else I want. I want to enjoy my son and when I am worried about fitting in work I do not enjoy him. He deserves all of me.
Well, a new year is a chance for a new me right?
I wish you all a very happy new year and that 2017 brings you one step closer to wellbeing 🙂 We got this!!